BY KATE FAVARO
Bereavement Coordinator & Volunteer
Manager Hospice of St. Lawrence Valley

POTSDAM – When we know something is going to happen, we try to prepare ourselves. If the timer is about to go off, we grab the oven mitts lest we burn the chocolate chip cookies. When there’s a new baby expected in the family, we rush to check our phones each time they ring. If we’ve somehow found ourselves in the front row of a roller coaster, we silently curse the friends who talked us into it and grip the bar before that big drop at the beginning. When we find out someone we care about is sick and likely to die soon, we grieve even before they are dead.

Anticipatory grief is the period of time prior to an expected death (or other loss.) It is filled with many emotions and can easily be written off as “just stress” but it should be seen as its own unique grief experience. It provides an opportunity for you to make plans of how to care for the person, to have conversations you’ve been putting off and spend meaningful time with the person who is dying. At its core, anticipatory grief allows you a chance to imagine a world without the person who is going to die; a terrifically sad prospect. Not each death allows for the experience of anticipatory grief but if you do experience it, Hospice of St. Lawrence Valley offers the following suggestions:

Consider secondary losses. Not only are you grieving the loss of a person but you’re grieving what will (or won’t) happen because of their death. Things like a change in financial security or in living arrangements. When the person dies your role in the family, and perhaps even your purpose, may change. You will also be grieving the future you thought you’d have with them. They won’t be at that wedding, graduation or next big family get together.

Remember your whole body will grieve. Just like with traditional grief (after the person dies), anticipatory grief impacts your whole body not just your emotions. People frequently experience headaches, changes in eating habits, and feeling as though they’re always on the verge of tears. For me it was the sensation of holding my breath, for months, while the person I loved was on Hospice.

Your emotions will be conflicting. Anticipatory grief can be confusing. On one hand you are sad this person will die, on the other you want to focus on the good memories you have and can still make with them. At times you may feel grieving or imagining a world without the person who is dying is “giving up.” It’s not, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. It is important to note going through anticipatory grief does not give you a head start on the traditional grieving process after a death.

Anticipatory grief can be overwhelming. No matter how long the person was sick, no matter how long it’s been since they were “themselves” you will still grieve their physical absence. If you’re interested in learning more about anticipatory grief or getting support for your grief, please contact Hospice of St. Lawrence Valley at 315-265-3105 to connect with their Community Bereavement program.